I never thought that I would be part of this madness, and it haunts my every thought. Sometimes I lie awake at night, only to catch glimpses of my old, happier life flashing sporadically before my eyes like a broken projector.
I remember life as an innocent child, spending my afternoons watching reruns of cartoons and building an imaginary empire with my arsenal of absurd ideas. And how I missed my mother's home-cooked food; even now I yearn to taste them once more. I remember not being satisfied with the rate I was aging, and wishing that I could be all grown up. Now that I am, I'm not too sure if I've bitten more than I could chew; caught on the losing end of this deadly bargain. On darker nights, I dream of the past few years - picturesque scenes of stalking, shooting, fleeing, hanging by a thread. There wasn't much to remember, but then again, every single day whizzed past in dizzying speeds, leaving nothing but the increasingly alarming knowledge that I am but a wanted fugitive - kill or be killed, that's all I ever lived for.
So many unanswered questions, perhaps it's because I'm puzzled myself. Taking lives does have a hypnotic effect on my sanity - to lose all rational thinking that might have been able to salvage what's left of my train wreck of a life. I really should have laid bare the path.. my path to destruction, but my head hurts to think; throbbing every second, flashing in and out of reality. I know not what lies in store in the next five minutes, other than the fact that I wouldn't be here for long; I must run, where, I do not know. Right now, I smell the mouthwatering aroma of barbequed pork coming from the apartment next to mine, and I wished I could stay long enough to live normally once more, even for five minutes. Renowned adventurers say that it is only when one gets lost that he discovers himself.
Now that I've lost all sense of direction, I can perhaps see for myself, what I really am..
And I'm a prisoner.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Impulse Topic 1
Talk about idea-ception. With that, I kick off an impulse post about a random topic, which happens to be part of yet another impulse series I'm about to do, yay!
Morality -
I figured I'd talk about this in lieu of the several somewhat controversial headline news plastered all over the local newspaper. Alternatively, you may view them here:
Story 1
Story 2
As tempted as I am to share my own views and then end the post, I'll try going at this from another angle; my mother's. Being your typical conservative Christian Asian housewife, my mother slammed these people without batting an eyelid, branding them as immoral and gross; and I don't blame her. Growing up in an environment where the very mention of sex usually comes with a slightly disgusted grunt or a shrill "ARE YOU INSANE?!", my mother avoided taboo topics like the plague; so naturally, these people are therefore people of the plague and should be shunned too.
Perhaps that would be a view shared amongst many Singaporeans, but if any of you readers know me, my screws are scattered across the planet.
I realise many people who talk about morality don't really like to elaborate on it, simply because it's impossible to. There isn't a definite standard of morality, like if-you-do-this-you-are-immoral kind of thing. Many believe that black and white exists independently without the possibility that an area can exist between them where their boundaries merge. I believe that morality is just like that, because everyone's standard is different. Unlike laws where what's right or wrong (again, defined by fallible humans) are clear as day, there's no governing body to oversee the thin lines of morality.
Perhaps, for the parties involved in those cases; their only mistake was to do it here, where conservative eyes are on them, eager to judge.
Not so crazy as it seems anymore does it?
Then again, a nutcase doesn't really know he's insane anyway.
Sooooo... were they right or wrong?
I might think that they have nothing to be ashamed of, while you might think otherwise.
But we really don't know.. do we?
Morality -
I figured I'd talk about this in lieu of the several somewhat controversial headline news plastered all over the local newspaper. Alternatively, you may view them here:
Story 1
Story 2
As tempted as I am to share my own views and then end the post, I'll try going at this from another angle; my mother's. Being your typical conservative Christian Asian housewife, my mother slammed these people without batting an eyelid, branding them as immoral and gross; and I don't blame her. Growing up in an environment where the very mention of sex usually comes with a slightly disgusted grunt or a shrill "ARE YOU INSANE?!", my mother avoided taboo topics like the plague; so naturally, these people are therefore people of the plague and should be shunned too.
Perhaps that would be a view shared amongst many Singaporeans, but if any of you readers know me, my screws are scattered across the planet.
I realise many people who talk about morality don't really like to elaborate on it, simply because it's impossible to. There isn't a definite standard of morality, like if-you-do-this-you-are-immoral kind of thing. Many believe that black and white exists independently without the possibility that an area can exist between them where their boundaries merge. I believe that morality is just like that, because everyone's standard is different. Unlike laws where what's right or wrong (again, defined by fallible humans) are clear as day, there's no governing body to oversee the thin lines of morality.
Perhaps, for the parties involved in those cases; their only mistake was to do it here, where conservative eyes are on them, eager to judge.
Not so crazy as it seems anymore does it?
Then again, a nutcase doesn't really know he's insane anyway.
Sooooo... were they right or wrong?
I might think that they have nothing to be ashamed of, while you might think otherwise.
But we really don't know.. do we?
Monday, October 15, 2012
Daze
Now I know how walking into Narnia felt.
From life on Earth to that of another planet; everything seems so surreal.
Sometimes I pinch myself, wondering if this is actually a dream, because I feel
like I'm walking on clouds.
It's an inexplicable feeling, when my emotional compass is pointing in all directions, so I really don't know how I should feel or react.
Maybe I'm just going crazy.
(Sorry, I'll try to post more I promise.)
From life on Earth to that of another planet; everything seems so surreal.
Sometimes I pinch myself, wondering if this is actually a dream, because I feel
like I'm walking on clouds.
It's an inexplicable feeling, when my emotional compass is pointing in all directions, so I really don't know how I should feel or react.
Maybe I'm just going crazy.
(Sorry, I'll try to post more I promise.)
Friday, September 21, 2012
Boundaries
I've been a slave to the system for far too long, following made up rules by a bunch of people who're no more superior than I am. The obligation of not letting my family and friends down has kept me shackled all these years, and I didn't dare step out of my area of confinement out of fear. So I watched the world from a television at home, just dreaming about the day I can roam the endless acres of land and water that God has so meticulously shaped.
Right now I'm stuck serving the country, and then I realise.. what does serving the country really mean? Sure, in my country, it means two years of mandatory military service, but really, what can I do in these two years? Most people think that to make the most of one's army life, he has to be in the elite unit, take up elite courses and obviously be an elite soldier at the end of ones journey right? Yeah, that's what my parents taught me to do, being eager contestants in the rat race set in your typical competitive Asian community. While it is necessary to work hard to reap the fruits of your labor, what you're working hard for is another story altogether. A little background information here: I'm currently with the Commando, serving out the last two weeks of Basic Military Training (BMT).
And having come down with a chest injury, I'm currently not participating in any of their activities. Being injured has really put my perspectives in place. Before that, I really wanted to be an elite soldier at the top, placing my personal health and well being on the line for the coveted red beret.
What about now..?
I've come to realise that working hard in the army doesn't necessarily mean breaking an arm to be physically on top, or hecking it in the dense jungles trying to survive. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the tedious physical trainings, because I really want to get a toner body and be more disciplined in adopting a healthy lifestyle; but at some point, I have to accept the fact that my body isn't built to sustain the physical extremes in the Commando. Obviously, it is a shame to drop out from a prestigious unit, but when it comes down to serving the nation, I can do it in any unit, in any rank.
It's sad that people still continue to perpetuate the stereotype that unless you're a presence in your unit, you're not contributing much to your country. I walk past the hall of fame in my camp sometimes, and I see hundreds of well-taken photos lined up neatly in rows. If there wasn't a clerk to pull off such a neat job, our walls would've been empty. Society is like a machine, where different parts, big or small, have to work together to keep itself alive. No part is ever too insignificant or unimportant.
On a lighter note, I honestly stopped caring about how my peers would see me if I were to drop out of the Commando. Sure, people are telling me about how staying would aid my CV when I'm looking for a job, but honestly, as a writer, nobody gives a shit about my military career, unless I've been writing for the army's magazine or something.
Okay that was quite a mouthful.
kbye
Right now I'm stuck serving the country, and then I realise.. what does serving the country really mean? Sure, in my country, it means two years of mandatory military service, but really, what can I do in these two years? Most people think that to make the most of one's army life, he has to be in the elite unit, take up elite courses and obviously be an elite soldier at the end of ones journey right? Yeah, that's what my parents taught me to do, being eager contestants in the rat race set in your typical competitive Asian community. While it is necessary to work hard to reap the fruits of your labor, what you're working hard for is another story altogether. A little background information here: I'm currently with the Commando, serving out the last two weeks of Basic Military Training (BMT).
And having come down with a chest injury, I'm currently not participating in any of their activities. Being injured has really put my perspectives in place. Before that, I really wanted to be an elite soldier at the top, placing my personal health and well being on the line for the coveted red beret.
What about now..?
I've come to realise that working hard in the army doesn't necessarily mean breaking an arm to be physically on top, or hecking it in the dense jungles trying to survive. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the tedious physical trainings, because I really want to get a toner body and be more disciplined in adopting a healthy lifestyle; but at some point, I have to accept the fact that my body isn't built to sustain the physical extremes in the Commando. Obviously, it is a shame to drop out from a prestigious unit, but when it comes down to serving the nation, I can do it in any unit, in any rank.
It's sad that people still continue to perpetuate the stereotype that unless you're a presence in your unit, you're not contributing much to your country. I walk past the hall of fame in my camp sometimes, and I see hundreds of well-taken photos lined up neatly in rows. If there wasn't a clerk to pull off such a neat job, our walls would've been empty. Society is like a machine, where different parts, big or small, have to work together to keep itself alive. No part is ever too insignificant or unimportant.
On a lighter note, I honestly stopped caring about how my peers would see me if I were to drop out of the Commando. Sure, people are telling me about how staying would aid my CV when I'm looking for a job, but honestly, as a writer, nobody gives a shit about my military career, unless I've been writing for the army's magazine or something.
Okay that was quite a mouthful.
kbye
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Reunion
I really need to stop asking my browser to remember my password for me lest I forget it, geez.
So hi, it's been awhile, four walls. How are y'all doing? What's that, still white and solid as ever I see, that's nice to hear.
Jokes aside, I want to once more, reiterate my love for traveling. Just today, I watched a couple of shows about unusual travels which include trips to Afghanistan, Lebanon and a cycling adventure from Siberia to China. Oh and, these shows can be found on Channel 412 (Nat Geo Adventures) in case you're wondering, so you're welcome. (:
I like how my friends and I can feel so hyped up after a short discussion on the places we can backpack to and get lost in. Throughout the years, I never really enjoyed my family vacations, because by vacation, they mean shopping at overpriced tourist spots and then sitting down for coffee after like 10 minutes of walking because some people apparently can't take the distance, oh the horror. I want a real vacation, where I figure out where the fuck am I, while taking in the local culture and atmosphere.
With that said, I'll be posting some cool travel info over the next few weeks aaaaandd.. let me know if you're interested! ;)
So hi, it's been awhile, four walls. How are y'all doing? What's that, still white and solid as ever I see, that's nice to hear.
Jokes aside, I want to once more, reiterate my love for traveling. Just today, I watched a couple of shows about unusual travels which include trips to Afghanistan, Lebanon and a cycling adventure from Siberia to China. Oh and, these shows can be found on Channel 412 (Nat Geo Adventures) in case you're wondering, so you're welcome. (:
I like how my friends and I can feel so hyped up after a short discussion on the places we can backpack to and get lost in. Throughout the years, I never really enjoyed my family vacations, because by vacation, they mean shopping at overpriced tourist spots and then sitting down for coffee after like 10 minutes of walking because some people apparently can't take the distance, oh the horror. I want a real vacation, where I figure out where the fuck am I, while taking in the local culture and atmosphere.
With that said, I'll be posting some cool travel info over the next few weeks aaaaandd.. let me know if you're interested! ;)
Friday, July 20, 2012
Fascination
Okay guys, I'm in a dilemma. I want to feel bad for not posting in ages, but I'm really not; mainly cause I'm too damn tired after booking out from camp. It's true that being in the army makes you a little dim; nothing too damaging, but it's SERIOUSLY hindering my creative juices right nao.
So that's annoying..
How have you guys been? I'm good, living one day at a time, just thankful to be back home. But enough about that, cause what happens in the army stays there. And since nothing interesting will happen in the next two years, you shall all be treated with endless posts of useless opinions on useless issues that useless people have in a useless world. WOOHOO!
And to the guys out there, I'm quite sorry [or at least I try to, ha ha; sadface] that I can't click well with you all, but we are totally on a different level. I like to talk about things you don't, and I certainly don't think starting at boobs all day is productive or funny or cool. kthxbye.
So girls, call me maybe. LOL fuck what a stupid catchphrase. No wonder today's generation of kiddies are just facepalm-worthy.
So that's annoying..
How have you guys been? I'm good, living one day at a time, just thankful to be back home. But enough about that, cause what happens in the army stays there. And since nothing interesting will happen in the next two years, you shall all be treated with endless posts of useless opinions on useless issues that useless people have in a useless world. WOOHOO!
And to the guys out there, I'm quite sorry [or at least I try to, ha ha; sadface] that I can't click well with you all, but we are totally on a different level. I like to talk about things you don't, and I certainly don't think starting at boobs all day is productive or funny or cool. kthxbye.
So girls, call me maybe. LOL fuck what a stupid catchphrase. No wonder today's generation of kiddies are just facepalm-worthy.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Strobe
One blink, a million scenes flash past me, forming part of a bigger unfathomable picture. I see bits and pieces here and there, but nothing makes sense, nothing at all. Why am I here, what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for this? Clearly, the red lights are up, but I speed on, for the clock is ticking, ever so slowly, but ever so surely; my time will pass, but how much of that picture do I want revealed though, is another question.
Another squarish box blinks black and white, so do I see for myself, what the missing piece is? What's in store for me? I step into the void; whatever happens to me, I don't know, but not for long. Will it be worth it? The infinite suspense, the tension, the anticipation, the rapid beating of my heart on my naked soul.
Perhaps.
Another squarish box blinks black and white, so do I see for myself, what the missing piece is? What's in store for me? I step into the void; whatever happens to me, I don't know, but not for long. Will it be worth it? The infinite suspense, the tension, the anticipation, the rapid beating of my heart on my naked soul.
Perhaps.
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